i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
