Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
