Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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