Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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