called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
