just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
This toilet bowl is my home.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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