she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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