Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
