I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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