I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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