On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
