I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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