Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
