Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
