sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
is wine microwaveable?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
