i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
