Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
