his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
