All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
