your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
