she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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