when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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