Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
