I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
