My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
