Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
