there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
