Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
