It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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