Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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