I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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