I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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