Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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