drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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