so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
