i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
