how hairy? two words: wookie tits
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
