I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
