First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
