I hate your face
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
