I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
