I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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