I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
