Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Randomize
