A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
