My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
