I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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