Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
