You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
