I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
