My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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